Recovering Alcoholic & Graduate Student

I'm a recovering alcoholic getting my PhD at a research university.  I'm in my second year, finishing up my last semester of coursework this coming semester.  I'm also an instructor (GTA) and a research assistant (GRA). (Right now I'm on break but SHOULD BE doing a million things as I write this, such as the research that I put off for my advisor over the past semester, and a shitload of reading for the independent study I started at the beginning of last summer.  Hence the blogging.)

I taught high school English for 10 years, a job that finally took its toll on my soul.  After two years of desperately trying to break up with that job, I finally made the full break.  Deciding to go back to school and get my PhD in education policy, a phenomenal opportunity fell in my lap: a two year research assistantship.

As a recovering alcoholic for the past 7+ years, I knew this opportunity was the work of my Higher Power (HP).  I will take some credit for being willing to do the footwork I needed to do to make a positive change in my life.  But trust me, it took a year of prayer and suicidal thoughts (*God, please remove my suicidal thoughts*) before I worked up enough courage to do the footwork.  As soon as I did, miraculous events started falling into place. 

When I started this adventure, I was pretty sure it was too good to be true (still am).  I told myself I could never, *never* take this opportunity for granted; that I could never allow myself to wallow in self-pity over any aspect of this opportunity because it is literally everything I have ever dreamed of doing.  It is my dream job.

But here's the thing...after a while I forget all the reasons why this job is my dream job and focus on all the ways grad school is ruining my life and trying to destroy me.  

I don't know if it's because I'm an alcoholic or because grad school really is a bizarro world, but this shit is weirdly hard.  Not as hard as teaching.  NOT AS HARD AS TEACHING.  (That's my biggest saving grace...I say to myself, "You could be teaching a room full of TEENAGERS right now.")

A few reasons why grad school is difficult for me right now:

1. I'm not contributing to the world in any significant way.  (*Bah, I guess I can volunteer. Or do 12th step work.)

2. My advisor is an asshole and doesn't respect or value me, but I love him with all my heart and want nothing more than to impress him. (*Not enough to actually give a shit about or do the work he asks of me.)

3. I can't manage my time appropriately.  It's 12:41 pm, and instead of doing any work, I decided to start a fucking blog.  (*I'm gonna try to approach this blog as a pre-working exercise, adding into my daily routine instead of literally wasting an hour Facebooking before actually doing any work.)

4. I have no real friends.  Most of the other students in my program are international or married with kids.  I'm neither of those things.  The people I've met in AA are balls-out crazy.

5. I'm fat.

6. No social life and I'm single.

7. Totally broke.

8. Feel like I'm not working as hard as everyone, but don't care to work harder.

9. I don't know what I want to do with my PhD.

10.  I feel like my advisor, my professors, my fellow students, and my peers think I'm NOT SMART. Could this really be true? And if so, does it matter? I believe myself to be intellectually creative, but worry that my type of intellect is not valued in this male-dominated setting.

In the end, I'm sober.  And if I try to follow God's will rather than my own will and stop struggling, I can have a good life despite these difficulties.  And maybe I can be of use to the world.  Maybe right now I just go with this grad school thing...wait it out.  Be grateful.