Ceased Fighting

Ceased fighting anything or anyone.

"When I stopped fighting anybody or anything, I started on the path to sobriety, serenity and peace." -Daily Reflections, p. 14

I was once in a class that my advisor was teaching.  We were discussing issues of gender dynamics in school leadership.  A few of the men (all principals) were unapologetically and overtly sexist, claiming that the reason men have more power in schools is because women choose to "bear children."  Also, women are prettier, which is why they sit at the front desk and greet visitors; and better at organization, which is why they are secretaries to the male principals.  Alone, I questioned these ideas--even in a room with one female principal, who never spoke up.  I got frustrated and confused, but I also frankly and clearly challenged the men and women who were being sexist.

I spoke with my advisor after the class.

He said, "If Brian were in that class, he would never have let them get away with that."
I said, "What about me?  I was speaking up?!"
He said, "You're too nice."

My advisor gave credit to a male student who wasn't even in the class credit for having the ability to question and challenge, while simultaneously insulting and devaluing my own contribution to the class.

Should I be offended that my advisor called me "too nice?"  Here's the thing:  (Aside from my advisor also being a sexist prick), I don't *want* to be seen as the person who is combative and difficult--even if it gains me power or prestige or a reputation.  I want to be a nice, caring, thoughtful, genuine person, peer, colleague and teacher.  I have to cease fighting everything and everyone, that includes my advisor and the assholes in my classes.  Because I'm an alcoholic, I must find a different way.  I can still question and challenge and have my unwavering beliefs about issues I care about.  But I can't fight anymore.  I can't struggle.

Grad-itude

Thank you God for this opportunity to learn and for this life that I'm living right now.  

I live across from an elementary school.  I see the teachers trudge into work every day and remember my old life.  My first year of grad school, I would look across the street at 8:30 in the morning after just rolling out of bed and smile so big it hurt my cheeks because I didn't have to teach anymore.  

Now, I whine about the fact that I don't have a set schedule.  I whine around about how difficult self-discipline is.  Poor me that I don't have anyone telling me what to do and where to be.  I can't get anything done.  Wah wah wah.

I can't believe I have gotten to the point where I have *almost* forgotten that only a minuscule percentage of lucky people in this world get to do what I'm doing.

I want to enjoy this serene life of the mind.  I want to revel in it without feeling guilty. 

So, I thank God on a daily basis for this opportunity to be in grad school.  If I were still drinking, there's no way I would be here right now.  No way.

Living Grad School One Day at a Time

*Disclaimer: When I write this shit about God/HP, even I get a little weirded out.  I'm not a God freak.  I never ever talk about God in my regular life.  I think about God a lot.  And I talk about God in meetings.  But *never* to anyone outside of AA.  Because I sound like a total weirdo.  I'm not.  I don't care about anyone's God or any religion at all.  I'm not religious.  But I've learned over my 7 years of sobriety that God/HP is the single most important element of staying sober and living a serene life.  My HP happens to be an aging rock star who sings about redemption and pot smoking.  

"I can live my life only one day at a time.  Perhaps my confusion and despair are so great that I will have to take it one hour at a time, or one minute at a time, reminding myself constantly that I have authority over no life but my own." -- p. 1, One Day at at Time in Al-Anon

I used these words and principles to steer me through my last year and a half of graduate school.  If I look too far ahead (like applying for jobs, grants, scholarships), my mind freaks out.  When my mind freaks out, I want to drink.  Drinking is the fastest way to stop the freak out.  So, I can't afford the freak out.  Instead, I work really, really effing hard to take my responsibilities in grad school one hour at a time.  If I nurse thoughts of uncertainty, they turn suicidal.  Drink or kill myself--those become my dire options.  So I don't.  I pray and pray and pray.

I ask God to guide my thoughts, words and actions so that they may be divorced from self-pity, self-seeking and dishonest motives.  

Where I get tripped up in grad school is the self-seeking part--that's all this shit is.  Self-seeking. Getting published is self-seeking.  Giving presentations is self-seeking.  Earning a degree is self-seeking. Applying for money is self-seeking. Coming up with a great idea is self-seeking. How do I reconcile grad school and the principles that guide my life? 

What I've been doing is focusing on the work that's in front of me.  And approaching my years in grad school as a means to an end.  It's not about being the best.  It's about getting the work done.  Just getting the work done.  Mostly I ask God to grant me the willingness to trust in His plan for me.

"Realizing that nothing can hurt me while I lean upon my Higher Power, I ask to be guided through the hours and minutes of each day.  Let me remind myself to bring every problem to Him for I know He will show me the way I must go." -- p. 1, One Day at at Time in Al-Anon