Living Grad School One Day at a Time

*Disclaimer: When I write this shit about God/HP, even I get a little weirded out.  I'm not a God freak.  I never ever talk about God in my regular life.  I think about God a lot.  And I talk about God in meetings.  But *never* to anyone outside of AA.  Because I sound like a total weirdo.  I'm not.  I don't care about anyone's God or any religion at all.  I'm not religious.  But I've learned over my 7 years of sobriety that God/HP is the single most important element of staying sober and living a serene life.  My HP happens to be an aging rock star who sings about redemption and pot smoking.  

"I can live my life only one day at a time.  Perhaps my confusion and despair are so great that I will have to take it one hour at a time, or one minute at a time, reminding myself constantly that I have authority over no life but my own." -- p. 1, One Day at at Time in Al-Anon

I used these words and principles to steer me through my last year and a half of graduate school.  If I look too far ahead (like applying for jobs, grants, scholarships), my mind freaks out.  When my mind freaks out, I want to drink.  Drinking is the fastest way to stop the freak out.  So, I can't afford the freak out.  Instead, I work really, really effing hard to take my responsibilities in grad school one hour at a time.  If I nurse thoughts of uncertainty, they turn suicidal.  Drink or kill myself--those become my dire options.  So I don't.  I pray and pray and pray.

I ask God to guide my thoughts, words and actions so that they may be divorced from self-pity, self-seeking and dishonest motives.  

Where I get tripped up in grad school is the self-seeking part--that's all this shit is.  Self-seeking. Getting published is self-seeking.  Giving presentations is self-seeking.  Earning a degree is self-seeking. Applying for money is self-seeking. Coming up with a great idea is self-seeking. How do I reconcile grad school and the principles that guide my life? 

What I've been doing is focusing on the work that's in front of me.  And approaching my years in grad school as a means to an end.  It's not about being the best.  It's about getting the work done.  Just getting the work done.  Mostly I ask God to grant me the willingness to trust in His plan for me.

"Realizing that nothing can hurt me while I lean upon my Higher Power, I ask to be guided through the hours and minutes of each day.  Let me remind myself to bring every problem to Him for I know He will show me the way I must go." -- p. 1, One Day at at Time in Al-Anon